The day we got together, we started writing on this cute pooh notebook our random thoughts and feelings we have on the relationship. It's a good venue to vent out things and issues that we cannot discuss in person. Weird, huh? It sure helps though. We alternate every now and then, depending on who's got the issue to write about.
Remember that I used to whine that I am unhappy? Well, I sure feel rotten after reading this entry which he wrote after crying a river that Sunday afternoon a month ago.
Now I am confused. I don't know if I should break up or what. Ugh. Damn decisions!
September 7, 2003
I don't know which is worse; that which is rooted in plain truth or that which is subject to interpretation. You see, there's just too much drama for me to shuffle and it's like im shuffling chainsaws that could spell mini-headlines.
I know you're entitled to feel what you want to. And I know (I think) that things are not as dandy as we might want them to be. It just seems to me that you're on the verge of quitting on me. ON US. On yourself. I have had enough of failing. And I don't care for those little bumps here and there that try to get in the way. You know what I want? Not happiness but joy. And I get that in the pursuit of things that matter most: knowledge and wisdom, humanity, myself and you. And I'd be damned if you quit on me through all this.
You know both our futures: bleak like fog. But what do we do about it? Sit around and pine for grapes to come tumbling down from ammonia-drenched rainclouds? Whine about our present and transform it into a morbid continuity?
Hell no.
We're both constrained to the shit we're in. Me to my poverty and you to your diarrheal folks. How fucked up could it get? But I'm still here and you are too, so... I hope we won't break down or whatever. I hope I get to do something real quick, something to step forward on rather than a precarious slab of mossy ground clinging to a two-mile gorge. Not a good sight to behold. Especially if a gust of wind blows like a surprise party...
Help yourself, kid. Help me. I'll help myself, I'll help you. Put two together to make a difference. Ever thought how you could remove a nail with just a hammer's head? Well, that's why it's got the V-lever thing on it's other end.
I LOVE YOU. That's all I can give right now. Me, my words, my mind, my heart, my pen, my phallus.
Me.
AAARRGH!!!!
